My mind has been loitering on a wandering trail for the past few months. Not that my lips cried, but my brains could not keep their silence. It was as if life edged by a rocking boat in turbulent waters, and all the soul could possibly do was sit and watch. And think, too. Perhaps. If it were possible.
In the joyous reunion of the family, I felt my essence sui generis slipping away, bit by bit, into the stark madness of reality. More and more I was drowning away in a plenitude of data, most nothing but cold hard facts, and facts, and facts. And then came the time where I was asked to ask myself: What am I doing? Where am I heading? Is this what I want to do? For the last question, of course, the answer is undoubtedly clear – yes, of course! But how? What? Why? Where would I lose myself to?
It is agonizing, considering the workload I am facing, and yet it is simply a part of the process. Which path was I walking? Whose path? What did I want, inherently, in the end? I was always in the have-to, but no-time situation. But I shall not deny that worklife has absorbed a great deal of me, so now I am hard at play retrieving it. It was as if I been prancing about in a drunken stupor, but nevertheless the questions kept on pressing endlessly.
Stop, stop, stop. Please! This echoed through my head. It had to, correct? It is probably my identity crisis as a psychopathic writer, where I let go of all responsibilities and allow myself to explore. And explore I have – I am still at it, to be frank. Anyway, it is safe to say that I have been hanging around the wrong loop, and therefore it necessitates me to make a reverse turn to continue the walk. Or the run, rather. I have been using much time. This year, however, my writing has brought me to another level, and I am required to prepare write-ups for website content. It is not exactly what I want – for I really, really do want to grab hold of a drama director by the wrist, and demand that he allow me to screen-write. JS (which stand for just saying). But my emotions speak for themselves. I have been waiting much too long.
Slowly, though. All the exploring and traveling has made me immensely sleepy. It is necessary that I listen closely to my heartbeat – no distractions! Ihrer haben ein solch guten tag. Und ich liebe dich.