Tonight I am going to speak out my heart. I am going to pour out every single thought that is trying to fight for space in my head. Tonight I just want to cry out and forget. I am going to climb up the rooftops, stand by the edge, spread my arms wide apart, my back facing the cold, dark night air… and fall.
Fall all the way down. As I descend through the wind, I shall look into the beauty of the skies, perhaps for the very last time. The sack of questions slam me further down, but no, I would not budge.
I breathe in, and out, in, and out; the raw air fill my one and only lung (I lost the other a decade ago), bringing oxygen to my blood. One by one statement after statement surface into my concious.
“My name is Alicia Ai Leng, turning 24 very, very soon, and I study psychology. This does not mean I have answers to your every question. I too have questions myself – many of them used to be unanswered, but more and more are getting clarified. I daresay I know a lot more than some people, but I feel too. I also break down and cry. I need a hug as well every now and then. I have the breaking point, just like everybody else, where the limits are pushed to the maximum. But just how far are these limits?”
For the most part, my life at this time seems like an endless struggle. If you have heard of the saying: She stoops to conquer. Well, I have stooped so many, many times. I was nearly killed in an accident. I nearly killed myself. I nearly lost myself to insanity., the complex of Nature and the supernatural.
My old soul is slowly fading away into the past. Now is now, and I have to act very swiftly. I have drowned myself completely into positivity, completely into work, and studies, and business, and enterpreneurship. And wallahi, for all of heaven’s sake, love! Oh god, what is going on? Why is this happening?
The answer is because people change. With time, people deviate from the norms of tradition – I know this might sound sad, but it is not the time to shed tears now. I change. You change. We change. All of us change. Like all other humans I have blood running through my veins. I breathe the air just like everyone does. My heart pumps life into my body just like other living being. I eat. I pee. I poo. I cry real tears too. I am definitely not a Bobo doll, a punchbag everyone hits mercilessly. I laugh so loud you would have thought I were out of my mind, so long you could have thought that I were out of my mind. There are occasions of burnout too everyone experiences that I also experience. Of course in reality I am only literally meaning what I say. Whether there are ups and downs, I acknowledge that I am imperfect as I am; I cannot please everybody.
Ich schwore, that is just me. I could probably use a hand sometimes.